The Diary of the Jealous Hag
by hoarfrosted
Summary: When a powerful bromance, the likes of which have never been beheld, rocks the very foundation of the state of Ohio, Tina and Kurt are left to suffer the after-effects


Tina, utterly and completely, blamed Kurt for this.

She had been okay when Matt had returned to William McKinley and restarted his bromance with her boyfriend. She'd been happy about it, actually. Matt brought Mike a sort of happiness that couldn't be substituted. That happiness came from playing violent video games with copious amounts of guns and blood, comic books and grooving like R&B back up dancers. She _despised_ shooting games.

She had also been okay when her time with Mike had been fractionized because she now coexisted with Matt on his schedule. Mike had things he needed to get out of his system_. Guy things_. She liked him, of course, but Mike was just like any other guy, which she forgot sometimes. He had the tendency to be gross or irrational or a special type of dumb that only males could achieve. They always invited her to join them, but she always declined, stating that she had something important to do or that she didn't want to impose on their guy time.

Mike also took Matt with him to dim sum. Matt loved chicken feet, _thank god_.

She was even okay when Mike invited Matt to some of their outings because he "didn't know they were exclusive". Tina and Mike, both being painfully shy, were never big on PDAs outside of the glee club, so she didn't mind Matt tagging along on their movie dates, or popping up when she was at Mike's house, or piping in on their phone conversations.

Really, she could deal with it. Mike would probably never like her as much as he did Matt because they had passion enough to rival the famed _Scrubs_ guy love. And she _had_ found a new friend in Matt, who didn't talk to her just because they were connected through Mike. They had even gone out to lunch together when Mike had to cancel suddenly and it had only been awkward for the first ten minutes–a win in Tina's book.

But it was _all_ she could deal with. If anything else was added to the boy-love pile, she was sure she would start trying to break them up like a jealous hag. She had even drawn up blueprints in her mind for just the occasion. No problem.

That was, until Kurt had royally screwed up her plans with his Dalton boy baggage.

Their meeting hadn't planned, of course, as Kurt lived in a different town. Tina had taken her boys to her favorite clothing store in the Lima mall, ignoring their over-exaggerated groans. She had gone with them while they explored the video game store; it was only fair that she got to have fun too. Plus, she needed bag carriers; the amount of metal-adorned vestments she wore weighed quite a bit.

"These things could kill someone," said Matt as he and Mike began whipping each other with studded belts, exclamations of pain between the laughter. Tina apologized profusely to the saleswoman for them, who only told Tina to hurry and take them with her. She sighed as she paid for the clothes, shoving the bags into both boys' arms. They shared a puzzled look as they followed her out, purchases in hand.

It was at the overpass of the bottom level of the mall that she met up with Kurt, being followed by two boys in uniform, also carrying shopping bags. Needless to say, seeing as the only contact she'd had with Kurt since he left was Facebook and the occasional text, the hugging and rapid chattering they engaged in was completely necessary. Mike and Matt stood on the sidelines with the other boys as they observed the interaction curiously.

Needless to say, neither Kurt nor Tina had expected the other boys to _talk_. They were only supposed to sit and wait for them to finish their meeting.

It was Kurt who noticed. He had introduced them all to each other and the group migrated to the food court, Tina and Kurt sitting at one table while the other boys sat at another. He had been discussing the academics at Dalton and trailed off in the middle of his sentence, turning to the adjoining table with a raised eyebrow and an amused smirk. Tina followed his gaze to find a horrid sight.

"Dude, I'm Chinese!"

"So am I! Awesome!"

"I'm black!"

"No way! Me too!"

There at the other table were Mike, Matt, Wes and David, talking and laughing and jostling each other playfully. From the tidbits of conversation that she caught, they were talking about a paintball…or food. It wasn't very clear from the context.

"Isn't it awesome?" exclaimed Mike as he shoved Matt.

"Yeah!" Matt agreed enthusiastically, returning the shove.

"Right?" Wes piped in, banging a fist on the table.

"Totally!" David finished before all four boys nearly fell out of their seats with guffaws, holding onto each other for support.

Tina narrowed her eyes at the table contemptuously, already knowing this was going to mean something terrible for her. Kurt turned back to her with a light chuckle, obviously not realizing the impending doom they would both face.

"I would have never guessed that those two had teenage males inside the soulless automaton outer shells," he gestured to David and Wes, who were play punching each other, to Mike and Matt's endless amusement.

"Don't you see what's happening?" Tina said in a hushed tone, panic lacing her words.

Kurt frowned, puzzled. "I'm sorry, did I miss something?

Tina rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. How could he be so completely naïve? Maybe he couldn't sense the warning signs because he wasn't involved with either of the Dalton boys.

Tina scooted in closer to Kurt, leaning over to whisper conspiratorially in his ear as she observed the guy's table from her vantage point. "Can't you see that the two bromances are colliding and combining? The effect will be catastrophic! We'll never get them apart and I'll end up spending even less time with Mike!"

Kurt's eyes shifted to her, then to the boys, then back to her. "Don't you complain about his overuse of oriental-themed notions for your outings?"

Tina glared at him for his use of logic in this, a most troubling time. "That doesn't mean I want to share him with two _more _guys!" she huffed and sat back in her seat as she watched them eat, occasionally throwing fries at each other while they joked about something or other. "I can deal with Matt, but I can't handle him ditching me for more guy dates."

Kurt nodded slowly in a way that clearly stated he thought she was insane. "Listen, Tina, I'm usually one of the first for dramatics, but are you sure you're not over thinking this just a tad?"

Oh, how wrong he was.

It apparently didn't matter that Wes and David lived a town over and both had girlfriends of their own and were honor students and councilmen members and whatever else Kurt had mentioned. Somehow, they _still_ found a way to take her precious time with Mike away.

The first time it occurred was after she and Mike had dropped Matt off at home, mere minutes after meeting David and Wes, and they were in Tina's room, making out, of course. She had to play to her strengths to keep her boyfriend's attention, so she had to give him something those boys couldn't. At least, she _hoped_ they couldn't. She would ask Mike after he took his tongue out of her throat, just to be sure.

Of course, she never got the chance to. There was a sudden vibration in Mike's hip that ruined all of her plans. At first, she thought Mike had prepared for their make out session to get much kinkier, which she had mixed thoughts about, but it was only his phone. He sat back from his position between her legs to check the device, too engrossed with the screen to notice her heated glare.

"Mike," she tried to keep the irritation out of her voice as she watched his facial expressions change over the messages. Mike's eyes flashed to her and widened, as if he'd suddenly remembered that she existed.

"Oh, sorry, babe," he set the phone aside on the bed before crawling over her, lewd grin back on his face. "David texted me asking if–"

"Don't care," Tina grabbed him by the back of the head to pull him down for another kiss, pouring a little extra effort in to remind him that she couldn't be replaced with a quad-bromance. As her fingers were sliding up his shirt, along those glorious abdominals of his, she noticed the lack of return from the body above her. And, as she should've expected, when she opened her eyes, Mike's gaze was on the phone placed conveniently next to her head, his lips still attached to hers.

Needless to say, she wasn't happy. "Mike!" she shoved him off of her with a yell, propping herself on her elbows. Mike gave her a perplexed frown, as if _she_ was the one acting strange. "Is it too much to ask for you to pay attention to _me_ while making out with _me_?"

Mike grinned sheepishly at her. "Okay, okay, just…just let me…," he trailed off as he returned to texting, smile growing wider as his thumbs worked.

Tina was glad that her parents weren't there, because her frustrated shriek rocked the house's foundation. And it didn't end there, lucky her. It was only the introduction to the macabre tale.

Mike, bless his heart, always invited her on the newly founded Mike-Matt-Wes-David expeditions. Either Wes or David must have done the same with Kurt, as he was usually present as well. This week, the name of the game was laser tag. The irritation Tina felt when Mike informed her that they would shoot light beams at each other instead of the elegant dinner they had previously planned was indescribable. But she went; she had to go, to keep an eye on those four. Who knew what could happen?

Tina knew what could happen, and it did happen.

The teams for the laser battle were four-on-four, so, of course, the Three Musketeers and d'Artagnan slapped each other fives and headed to their area of the field, leaving Kurt and Tina with matching glares in their direction.

"I told you this would happen," said Tina to Kurt as she put on her gear. Kurt gave her a dismissive noise as he inspected his gun uninterestedly. The other members of their team, younger twin boys with identical grins, ran up to them, excitement radiating off their persons.

"Hey guys, ready to win?" both of the twins held their hands up to Kurt and Tina, eagerly expecting high fives. Tina snarled at one while Kurt simply peered into the eyes of the other. Both cowered and scampered off, presumably to find stations far away from the bitter teens.

A strange alarm sounded throughout the area, prompting Tina and Kurt to look around in puzzlement. They didn't have to wonder long though; already the four banes of Tina's existence were out, rolling and jumping and shooting like Cheerio soldiers, making the lights on Tina's and Kurt's harnesses flash repeatedly as they stood their positions. Kurt flashed Tina a look as they watched the boys enjoy themselves endlessly, shooting the stationary targets with enthusiastic laughter.

Needless to say, her team lost. Not that she cared, even when the twin boys gave her angry stares. Mike, Matt, Wes and David trotted up to Tina and Kurt after having discarded of their equipment, still keyed up from their landslide victory.

"Awesome!" shouted Mike.

"Exactly!" agreed Matt.

"Wasn't it?" Wes demanded with a light shove to David.

"Hell yeah!" David agreed with a playful punch to Mike's arm before they all burst out into more fits of giggles.

Tina wished the plastic gun in her grasp could shoot real bullets.

After that incident, Kurt began to see the effects of the bromantic fusion. According to the strongly worded text message she received, the four boys "acted like brothers from some cheesy sixties sitcom".

This came after Mike and Matt visited Dalton Academy the next day, which Tina would have joined in on if not for obligations to her parents. The boys had spent most of the day in Kurt's room after they toured the academy. Kurt said he had only excused himself from the room for a maximum of half an hour and came back to find the place ransacked with the four boys in a heap in the center, play wrestling or something of the like. He hadn't been exaggerating in the least, at least from what she could tell from the image of the disaster site he sent her.

In the midst of Kurt's angry texts, she received a message from Mike.

'_i thnk kurty blew my ears off wth his yllng :(' _ read the message. Tina made no effort to stifle the satisfied giggle when she imagined Kurt scolding the four boys as if they were little children. Served them right.

–

At the beginning of second semester–and after more outings with Mike, Matt, Wes, David and Kurt than she'd ever had with anyone in a month's span–, Tina took in a deep breath as she stood in the main hallway of William McKinley High School, the smell of moldy flooring and cheap toxic paint filling her senses. Break was over, which meant that Matt and Mike would have to cut their time with their soulmates short, which meant that she wouldn't have to deal with the overflow of homosocial activity, which meant that Mike's time would again, be dedicated mostly to her and Matt.

Her grin nearly split her face. No longer would she be the girlfriend on the sideline watching her boyfriend enjoy his bros more than he enjoyed her. Finally, things were coming together.

As she felt Mercedes and Rachel flank either side of her, she was reminded of another blessing of the day. Kurt was returning to William McKinley after a long absence. When he had been informed of Karofsky's departure to reform school after a particularly juvenile prank, he couldn't have been more ecstatic to return, though he lamented over leaving his newfound friends.

There was apparently only so much of the stifling drab attire of a school uniform that he could take. His Facebook told that he hadn't had nearly enough chances to flaunt his superior fashion sense, which Tina had liked immediately. Wes and David _always_ wore their uniforms. They were like male versions of the Cheerio's squad.

When she felt Mercedes and Rachel grip her arms, she focused forward to see Finn holding open the main door with a wide grin. From behind him emerged Kurt, trademark smirk in place as his eyes roamed over the hallways nostalgically before settling on the trio of girls in the middle of the hall.

The ear-splitting shrieks were harmonized perfectly between the three girls as the rushed forward, shoving a disgruntled Finn to the side so they could embrace Kurt. How he could be frazzled by any amount of decibels when he was dating Rachel was beyond Tina.

The three girls cheerfully welcomed him back and ambushed him with questions and plans of hanging out. Kurt, to his credit, calmly replied to each inquiry in order, though the mirth in his eyes belied his composure. When he turned to Tina, however, something akin to regret flashed in his eyes as he leaned forward to whisper something in her ear, to the shared suspicious looks of Mercedes and Rachel.

"I'm sorry, there was nothing I could do," he breathed before leaning back. Tina's brows furrowed in confusion, and Kurt jutted a thumb behind him. Warily, Tina sidestepped the group and peered out the door, not seeing Finn sneak between Rachel and Mercedes to wrap his arms around Kurt's waist, hauling the boy away from the two girls, who immediately gave chase.

Tina was too engrossed by the heinous site only a few meters away from the doors. There, in plain view, were Mike and Matt, deep in conversation with Wes and David, who were in _normal clothes, _and holding WMHS Welcome Handbooks_._ She struggled to keep the bile from rising as each of them turned to her, matching grins plastered on their faces.

"Tina!" the four of them said simultaneously, rushing to the doors to greet her, and she had to resist the urge to run away.

Tina, utterly and completely, blamed Kurt for this.


End file.
